The Inflation Olympics: Opening Day

The fireworks show went faultlessly as the opening ceremonies came to a close. The Olympic flame was rushed towards its final destination, the light of a grand hot air balloon, to be filled with the air from around the flame, signifying the grand opening of the yearly 2014 Tokyo Inflation Olympics.

The bright lights and neon symphony that was shimmering and buzzing around the stadiums dotted around the Japanese capital was the perfect place for the, quite literally, Biggest sporting event in the world to take place. Over 206 countries were taking part in games, representing all corners of the globe were trotted out beforehand. From the Olympic powerhouses like Russia, China and Australia, to the minnows of scantly populated regions like Samoa and San Marino. All competing for the gold medal in the “Grand Old Game of Growing.”. Their strength, wits and waistlines all put to the test in the name of their country, and the name of sporting inflation.

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“Hello, I'm Stacey Parben and with me is Inflation Analyst Martina Hellers, gold medallist in the 2010 Paris Inflation Games, and here is a run-down of the events that follow us in Day One of the Inflation Olympics...

“...From the Tokyo Metropolitan Gymnasium comes the first of the Gymflation events, where participants are required to “grow with grace” as they say, for the preliminary round of the Women's Instant Inflation.”

“That's right Stacey, not as simple as lying back and pretending to be an Air-bag. These girls have put in months of training to make sure their expansion is both quick and flawless. To gain that perfect sphere shape in the quickest time possible with minimal fuss and inflation of other body parts. If one body part seems to inflate faster than the others, that's actually minus points from the judges.”

“Nippon Budokan plays host to the first stage of the Singles Bumper Balls. For the bloodthirsty fans, this is the one to watch.”

“Well, it's a lot more than bashing your opponent, Stacey, I mean, think of Sumo Wrestling. That requires some technique. Rolling right into your opponent could see you bounce back against your will and outside the centre circle. Remember Hannah Fallery in Paris? Flung back like and elastic band in the Bronze Medal match. When you drop in that drop zone, it's game over.”

“From the National Olympic Stadium it's the Heats for the 100m Belly Hurdles”

“A tough one even if I do say so myself, and that isn't because it's the only event of its kind where you have to knock DOWN the hurdles. The girls start off with those flat, baking tray bellies. They have to pump them up at every hurdle to knock them down flat, each hurdle further and further away from each pump. One for over the pump line means 5 more seconds on what is so little time to begin with. And with those big bellies getting bigger, it's hard to know where that line begins.”

“And finally, off the Wakasu Olympic Marina, the first day of the Floating”

“What's better than watching a bunch of spherical girls in bikini's bob and weave their way down the gentle rapids around Wakasu Island? Well, for them it's a test of endurance, can those girls endure the ice cold waters for three days to get the gold? Let's hope it's at least sunny tomorrow!”

“And so concludes the end of the Opening Ceremonies of the 2014 Inflation Olympics, to the millions and billions out their watching: Stay Big Out There.”